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What to write in Christmas cards? 23 lines that won’t bore your loved ones (and clients) to tears.

what to write in Christmas cards

Tis the season for mounds and mounds of Christmas cards littered with mind-numbingly boring holiday cliches like, “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

As a writer that works with badass brands to help them sell their badass products with pretty words, I can’t stand by idly and watch as millions of Americans suffer at the hand of poorly written Christmas cards.

Before grabbing a fat cup of coffee and committing myself to brainstorming dozens of Christmas card captions, I did some preliminary research in hopes to find something anything that would serve as a resource for holiday card gifters lost for words as they sit in their cars outside their family gatherings hoping like hell for inspiration to strike in 60-seconds.

I was disappointed to find nothing.

Papyrus, you know the holiday card giant, took a stab at compiling some lines and whiffed horrendously with recommendations like…

Sending love and warm wishes to you and your family this holiday season

Wishing you peace and joy to your family this Hanukkah

May your Christmas be Merry and bright

Cheers to a new year

All the best for a joyful season…

Holy mother of God, hold my pen as I die of flatness.

Side Note: Papyrus, this article will outrank yours on Google here in the next 1-2 months and your SEO guy will give it a read to see how he can outrank mine. When this happens, please forward this article to the head of marketing and have him or her email me at ‘cole@honeycopy.com’. I think we can create some copywriting magic together.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. What to write in Christmas cards? So, I’ve compiled a bunch of Christmas lines down below. Some of them are funny. Some of them are touching. Some of them are inappropriate. Some of them are inspiring.

Regardless, they all have one thing in common, they sound like a human wrote them.

Please, steal them. Seriously. Steal them. Steal them. Steal them.

What to write in Christmas cards to your lover?

1. If you were one of Santa’s elves, you’d be the sexiest of all his elves. Merry Christmas.

2. I know we’d probably rather be spending Christmas locked in our rooms making love and getting wine drunk but let’s do our best not to touch each other at your parent’s house this year.

3. You’re fucking hot. Thank God it’s snowing.

4. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m pretty damn happy to be spending Christmas with you.

5. Mark Twain once wrote that the two most important days in our life are the day we are born and the day we find out why. For me, I would add a third –– meeting you.

6. Baby it’s cold outside… and no I absolutely don’t support non-consensual sex but the song is kind of catchy and it is actually really cold outside and I love you.

7. One of these days I’m going to cover our ceiling in Mistletoes so you have to kiss me all the time.

8. You know I love you. So, let’s take this moment to discuss something I’ve always been curious about. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder and Blixem. What kind of f****** name is Blixem?

9. Meet me in the car in 30-minutes, we’ll blare some ACDC and make love and smoke a little something that’ll make your sister’s cooking taste better.

10. All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

11. Bite me like your Grandma’s famous pumpkin pie. Wow, that got weird. Merry Christmas.

What to write in Christmas cards to your ex-lover?

12. Enjoy Christmas while you can, they don’t celebrate it in hell, Karen.

What to write in Christmas cards to your parents?

13. It’s absurd to think our relationship has gone from you spanking me to us being best friends. Love you and Merry Christmas.

14. Thank God for that Motley Crue concert, I might have never been here.

15. Wanna hear the biggest plot twist in modern day history? A decade ago you used to ground me from my phone and now you get mad if I don’t pick it up. I’ll call more this year. Love you, momma.

What to write in Christmas cards to your clients?

16. You’re by far my favorite client (and no I’m not writing this in every Client’s Christmas card).

17. I’ve had a ridiculous amount of fun creating magic with you and your team this year.

18. If you keep me around for another year, next year’s Christmas present will be an alpaca. You think I’m kidding. Just wait.

19. Working with you makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside… in a completely platonic professional way… but warm and fuzzy nonetheless. Merry Christmas.

20. I like to think you and I are like Starsky & Hutch. Pancho & Lefty. Batman & Robin. Santa & Mrs. Claus (minus the sex). Anyways, Merry Christmas.

What to write in Christmas cards to your best friends?

21. Try singing “I wish you a Merry Christmas” to the tune of “Old MacDonald had a farm”. If you can do it successfully, you’ll get your present.

22. Watch out, there’s a nerf gun bullet heading straight for your fa… Merry Christmas.

23. I think the idea of a man in red sneaking down a chimney late at night is kind of fuck-y.

How to write better Christmas cards.

If you thought the lines I wrote were terrible… well, then, I’m not really sure why you’re still here? But, if you’re digging them and need a little help coming up with some of your own, I have a few thoughts that I think might be helpful:

  • Try to avoid using cliches like “peace & love” and “warmest wishes”

  • When in doubt, write something funny

  • Read it out loud before you seal the envelope… does it sound like something you’d say?

  • Keep it short, keep it short, keep it short

  • Non-Christmas puns are your friends

  • Don’t be cheesy, the actual Christmas card can take care of this for you

  • Try not to procrastinate (even though we both know you’re going to procrastinate)

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. I’ll probably be adding more next year. If you liked this article, please know that I am a much better marketer and copywriter than a Christmas card writer. So, reach out and maybe we can create some magic together.

By Cole Schafer.


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Cole Schafer